How To Start Dating Again After Break Up From A Long Term Relationship
July 25, 2021
Single again after breaking up from a long term relationship? Unsure of how and when to start dating again? For many, the most frightening part of beginning to date again is being “in the butcher’s window” once again. You go out to the hot spots in hopes that some savvy shopper will notice you. Looking for a date can certainly feel like that sometimes too. Then there is the waiting around, but things seem to never happen. What can make it harder is having many of your friends still in relationships. The ugly truth of it all is this means you are going it alone; at least until you make some single friends. If you want to get back out there into the thick of things with less stress read on.
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The first thing you will notice is that the dating scene has changed since the last time you were in it. Women are no longer just sitting on the sideline waiting to be asked to dance or for some guy to offer to buy them a drink. It is normal now for either party to make the first move. But before any of this takes place you’ll have to relearn to be “you” instead of “us”. Being part of a long-term couple and going through a rough break can sometimes change the essence of who you are. Take the time to learn about who you have become. Embrace the good and be ready to reinvent the parts that you do not like.
Jumping back into the cauldron of a relationship may not be what you want to focus on right away; first, deal with and get over any personal issues from your last. If the break up was a bad one, there could be much healing still to be done. A lot of times we come out of these relationships feeling like somehow we failed. If the person left you for someone else it is hard to imagine anyone that wouldn’t walk away with some damage to the self-esteem. Do not fall into the mental trap and let him/her make you feel it was somehow your fault they strayed. You will get our “mojo” back but it takes time. Do the things you always wanted to do but didn’t because the partner was against it. Explore your creative side. Take a few classes for fun or even go back to school and pursue something new.
Before you start accepting dates again make sure you have truly unloaded the “truck load of garbage” from the old relationship. Nothing ruins a new budding relationship like the ghosts of relationship past. Do not bore or horrify your date with your old relationship news, views and problems. Focus on now and your future, your date neither cares nor wants to know about how things didn’t work out. That is why it is best to seek some sort of counseling to get your emotions and mind back to a healthy space. It is better to get it from a professional but at least find someone neutral to unload and confide in. This way you will be free to let the next person inside your walls. Old wounds can easily make us defensive and bitter without even realizing it; the defensive mechanism(s) you unconsciously put into place could spoil any hope of building a better or healthier relationship.
Dating is the short term objective, and a relationship may or may not be in what you want for the long term, but the most important thing you need to learn is that you can be a “whole person” by yourself. You do not need someone in your life to feel complete. Remember dating can be competitive, the mental and emotional attitude you take into the dating arena will determine what types of men/women you attract. If you want to attract a whole healthy person, who is confident in themselves and does not need to be constantly reassured, then this is the person you have to project. The people you want to be with want the same things you do, so work on being that person and you will attract them.